Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Dark, self-mutilation, mention of abuse
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters.
A/N: Well hopefully the stories okay, it’s hard writing a fanfiction
when you haven’t got any others to compare to, lol. Hope you enjoy ;o)
I always found darkness comforting. Not just for the reason I was a Vampire
but also for the fact it’s so calming; it was a place where I could let my
fears be erased, where my mind could rest from all the daily hassles of
life. Compared to the soothing shadows the light is harsh. It shows you
things you don’t wish to see, whether it be the harsh winds and cold
rain you’re forced to go out in for whatever errand you’re told, or the
Demon that advances on you with only one thing clear in his eyes . . . you
don’t want to see it, you don’t want to believe it, but the light forces you
to . . . it forces you back to reality. In the dark you can close your eyes
and pretend its not real, you have the hope and the blindness of the
situation as comfort . . . but what do I have now?
I took in a deep breath and fell against the wall of the room. For the
first time in a long time I was alone, but I knew that it wouldn’t last long
. . . it never did. Free will and privacy were luxuries too expensive for a
creature like me to afford. The mere hope and dream for them just
brought back painful memories of what I used to have, and so I long ago forced
myself not to think about such things. Yet, through all my pain there
was one thing I could never forget . . . that was what awaited me, what was
always lying in wait for me, the one thing I was bound to physically
and mentally and that was him, Cain.
The rising sun cast a serene glow over my eyes and forced me to open
them, looking into its warm embrace as it swept through the open windows
across the grounds of the silent room. I flinched at the feeling and glanced
over to the door, it was locked from the outside but from outside I could
hear footsteps . . .
My heart beat painfully against my chest. I knew it was only a matter
of time as the cold sweat broke over my skin. It didn’t matter how many
times it happened I was still scared of it, the abuse was the one thing that
terrified me more than anything, but I’d never let him know that,
never. Damn it! I couldn’t let myself get worked up every time I heard a step
outside, or a whisper in a nearby room, it’d drive me crazy!
Breathing deeply I forced my body to stay calm and soon the footsteps
left.
Yesterday I had searched this room for any kind of key or way out, I
had found nothing and was about to give up when my cold hand traced over a
familiar metal, one that Cain used regularly, in a drawer I had found
the silver metal of a blade, held together in a valuable handle, a dagger
that I was forbidden to touch.
Now it was all I could think about!
I wasn’t going to kill myself, and somehow I think Cain knew I wouldn’t
do anything like that, that’s why he left the dagger in the room. Suicide
was the last thing that crossed my mind, I’d rather suffer than die, in
life there’s hope and in death there is nothing – that’s something I’ve
learnt over my years . . . No. I didn’t want death but I did want a release . . .
God, it felt like the damn blade was etching itself into my mind. It
was screaming at me, begging for me, urging me to bring it close to my skin
in all its manipulative persuasion. I hadn’t the strength the fight the
feeling, I barely had the strength to think or move let alone to fight
the only hope of coping I had.
I felt a cool breeze from the window brush through my long brown hair,
cooling my skin, it made me shudder as I looked at the weapon that I
had brought to my side, holding in my left hand. I knew if I was caught I
would suffer greatly but I didn’t care, I needed this . . . Suddenly fear
kicked in as I moved the silver edge to my scarred arm and pressed it to my skin.
I simply held it their for a long moment. Knowing I had control over
this made me feel lighter, like some of my problems had vanished, it was a
good feeling in a sea of sorrow. Apart from that goodness I can barley
describe my excruciating agony. . . It was like a black hole was consuming me,
dragging me down into some oblivion like void, pulling me in against my
will, the sorrow that weighted my mind covered my sight like a black
veil and begged to be lifted. Only the blade brought such relief. The
emotions I learnt to deal with so long ago; the hate, the despair, the isolation I
had always dealt with, true it was a way that most people would consider a
last resort, but it worked! The blade and blood rid me of all my problems,
all my pain – but the fear I felt now?
Everywhere I turned I felt a crushing wave of defeat, a lack of
control, the rape of my mind, complete destruction of my body, nothing and no one
would or could dare help me. I need this! Just one cut, one tear – it would
make it all so much better . . . I need this release.
I dug the blade into my arm and bit into my lip sharply as the pain
came. It was so sharp, stinging and acute, enough to make me wince, it was like
I was tearing into my soul! But I had to do this, it was necessary! Blood
bubbled as the metal scraped and sliced through my broken skin, turning into a
deep red line. I closed my eyes; I felt calmer, relaxed and even my
breathing had slowed down. Smiling I made more, making a total of five. The fear
faded quickly as the blood poured over my arm, it was the most welcomed feeling in the world.
I wiped the blood from my arm and pulled my sleeve up to cover it.
This feeling wouldn’t last, it never did. Soon he’d be back and my
overwhelming horror would consume me again and I’d need the release,
but until then - . . .
It was then the footsteps echoed. This time they stopped outside the
door; I could hear the key turning in the lock and the clicking of the wretched
mechanism. My heart beat wildly against my chest as adrenaline sped
through my body like a bullet from a gun.
No, the good feeling never lasted, and somewhere . . . deep within me . . . I knew it never would.